


Stay

by callmetotty



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 9x10 spoilers, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-15
Updated: 2014-01-15
Packaged: 2018-01-08 19:38:47
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 760
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1136578
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/callmetotty/pseuds/callmetotty
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel has felt immeasurable pain. Castiel has dealt immeasurable pain. He has watched the suffering of others and learned to suffer. But in that moment, standing on the bridge next to Sam, he has never felt such pain before. The pain of love, and love walking away.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Stay

**Author's Note:**

> For all of you who haven't seen 9x10 this is pretty much one big spoiler.

_Castiel has felt immeasurable pain._

He has been tortured and beaten. His grace ripped from his body and hurtled to the Earth. He has died time after time. When each of his molecules had stretched and pulled apart, he felt the pain in each of them before he blinked into oblivion; only to be brought back to suffer again.

_Castiel has dealt immeasurable pain._

And all for what? He has always had a reason for the pain that he has dealt. After Naomi, he isn’t even sure if he remembers how much pain has actually been inflicted by his hands. He has killed countless over his years. The blood of monsters, humans, and his brothers and sisters swim around his feet in endless torment. The pain that each of his victims felt as they took their end in his hands stands as a reminder about the pain he has caused. He rebelled for what? How many of his brother’s had he killed in the name of free will? And only to take it away- to slaughter those who stood in the way of his reign of heaven.

_Castiel has watched immeasurable pain._

Not just physical pain- but worse yet the emotional pain felt by others that he couldn’t understand; didn’t understand until he lost his grace. He always hated the pain that others felt in their hearts but he wasn’t able to truly understand it until he experienced human emotion. But even after understanding it, feeling betrayal, loss, anger, and hurt, he still does nothing. He can only watch the pain as he did before, yet with a heavier heart than ever before

_None of this pain amounts to the pain he feels as Dean walks away; off the bridge without a word or a glance back at Castiel. Dean doesn’t say anything; he doesn’t need too._

The word _poison_ breaks him into pieces. It’s funny, even while getting his grace back he still feels human emotions just as strongly as he did without it. Maybe that is just another broken piece of him now. Dean says nothing to him as Sam tells him to leave; he doesn’t turn and even spare Castiel a glance but he knows what Dean wishes for him to do just the same. Dean doesn’t want Castiel to accompany him- he doesn’t want to hurt him anymore; what Dean wants is simple. In his silence, and with his back turned, Dean begs Castiel to stay with Sam. _Don’t leave him. Protect him. Protect my little brother._ Above all, that has always mattered to Dean. Protect Sammy. By entrusting Cas with that job, he feels overwhelming trust from Dean. He would trust no one to that task in the past except himself. This should please Castiel. That is what he wanted, isn’t it? To earn Dean’s trust again? That despite everything he has done, Dean still cares for him, still trusts him so much.

But the hole in his heart aches just the same.

Sam is his friend. He cares for Sam. He deeply wishes for Sam to be healed fully. He wants Sam to have everything he dreams of—a normal life. He wants to be a part of Sam’s life. But it’s not the same.

As Dean walks away Castiel feels apart of himself go with Dean. He has felt grief before, but never to this extent. The mixture of feelings in his chest has him reeling because he has felt this emotion before, but never this strongly. Never this strongly for one person. It isn’t just loyalty. It isn’t just worries or the bond of friendship.

It is love.

In that moment Castiel feels for the first time the true extent of the emotion of human love and it breaks his heart into pieces. He loves Dean and more than anything he wants to be with Dean. To go wherever Dean goes. To have as much of Dean’s heart as Dean will let him. As long as Castiel is by Dean’s side, nothing else would matter.

Castiel looks over to Sam standing against the railing. Both of the men stay silent, watching Dean as he walks toward the Impala, his back straight even under the weight of a broken man. He almost walks toward Dean. He feels the words _wait,_ and _please don’t go,_ on his lips but he stays silent.

_“Dean, I do everything that you ask. I always come when you call. And I am your friend.”_

This, Castiel realizes as Dean turns the impala engine on, is Dean asking.

_Stay._


End file.
